Waldon here, and tonight's title comes from the song "Carnival of Rust" by Poets of The Fall. Absolutely amazing sounding songs by these guys, you should all totally check it out. :P
I actually just got back from walking home Sandra and Sarah. I don't like it when my friends have to walk home in the dark by themselves. I get worried about them, and I'm a fairly protective person. I left at about 10 30 or so, and stayed for about 25 minutes when I got there at 11 30 for some cake and tea! :)
We all had a potluck tonight at my house, Bre, Sandra, Sarah, Robyn and I all hung out and ate a bunch of delicious food that everybody brought. Even the potato brownies. Curses to that tomfoolery. :P
Sandra and Sarah brought brownies... with mashed potato icing that I never noticed until it was too late. xD
Now, I'm going to use the rest of the blog to write some fairly mean stuff about myself. I'm not going to say it's self pity, that would be wrong. Nor is it looking for pity; that would also be wrong. I just want to get this all down in writing so that I can't deny that I said and thought it later.
Of course, anybody who isn't really interested in listening to me make horrible non-fiction accusations at myself doesn't have to read this. In fact, it'll probably just make you angry if you did. :P You can just skip on down to the end of the page to hear me say good night, if you want. xD The part that you'll probably want to skip if you're a normal person is in italics. :P
I apologize in advance for what you're about to read. ;)
____________________________________________________
In her "Young Wizard's" series, Diane Duane offered up a piece of advice that I've come to realize is so true that many people don't even realize it. When it comes between apologizing even when you feel that you're right, and hurting a relationship with people you love, apologizing should always be what you choose to do. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong; but when I think about it, I know I must have. If I do something that makes the most important people to me so incredibly angry that I'm afraid I'll lose them, even if I feel like I was in the right, I'll give it all up, my pride, my opinion, anything to make it better.
I want to apologize, deeply, for the expectations I have at times. I feel like I've been regarding myself as some kind of wonderful person compared to everybody else. I've been so wrong, it's probably criminal.
Over the past few days, I've had my little bubble of reality come crashing down on me. I've been made to realize that I place much more importance on several other people than they do on me. There are a few people, one whom I feel very, very strongly for, in particular that make up the absolute centre of my universe. Everything I do makes me think of them, makes me remember things we've done together or of things that I look forward to doing with them. I know that none of them feel the same way about me. I know that I'm not the centre of any of their lives (even if I'd like and love to be), like my own screwed up sentiments.
But for some reason, I expect them to. I expect that they'll all place me in the same measure of importance, even though it's absolutely unreasonable. I'm a screw-up, if there ever was one. I'm clingy and needy, and as soon as they get an opportunity to do something that they would rather do with somebody else instead of something I was hoping they'd do with me, I feel like I've been completely left behind, that I'm the second choice.
This is wrong, I know that! I have this complex, where if somebody tells me that they're interested in doing something or that they want to do something with me and then do something else with somebody else instead, I feel so unimportant that it hurts. I feel so incredibly belittled. Then, I don't act rationally anymore, I just lash out and hurt them.
Because of this, I've placed horrible, selfish restrictions on them in my own mind, all that they don't deserve, to have to deal with. And I'm going to be trying to change myself to deserve them, my loved ones. I'm a selfish person, wrong in so many ways and monstrous in many more. Please, I'd like to say here and now that I'm trying to do better. I'm going to make a rather late new years resolution to change myself, and hopefully I'll be able to keep to it.
I'm so sorry, to all of these people who've had to deal with me. I'm sorry for the way I've acted and the childish way I've reacted to every change in plans. I hope, here and now to change how I am to be better for all of you.
____________________________________________________
If you read that, I apologize. :P You were exposed to something remarkably whiny, although I suppose I warned you. xD
Thank you all for reading this tonight! Hopefully, the people I've based my life around read this and they know I'm sorry for being such a insensitive person at times.
Good night Everybody! :)
-Waldon
I actually just got back from walking home Sandra and Sarah. I don't like it when my friends have to walk home in the dark by themselves. I get worried about them, and I'm a fairly protective person. I left at about 10 30 or so, and stayed for about 25 minutes when I got there at 11 30 for some cake and tea! :)
We all had a potluck tonight at my house, Bre, Sandra, Sarah, Robyn and I all hung out and ate a bunch of delicious food that everybody brought. Even the potato brownies. Curses to that tomfoolery. :P
Sandra and Sarah brought brownies... with mashed potato icing that I never noticed until it was too late. xD
Now, I'm going to use the rest of the blog to write some fairly mean stuff about myself. I'm not going to say it's self pity, that would be wrong. Nor is it looking for pity; that would also be wrong. I just want to get this all down in writing so that I can't deny that I said and thought it later.
Of course, anybody who isn't really interested in listening to me make horrible non-fiction accusations at myself doesn't have to read this. In fact, it'll probably just make you angry if you did. :P You can just skip on down to the end of the page to hear me say good night, if you want. xD The part that you'll probably want to skip if you're a normal person is in italics. :P
I apologize in advance for what you're about to read. ;)
____________________________________________________
In her "Young Wizard's" series, Diane Duane offered up a piece of advice that I've come to realize is so true that many people don't even realize it. When it comes between apologizing even when you feel that you're right, and hurting a relationship with people you love, apologizing should always be what you choose to do. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong; but when I think about it, I know I must have. If I do something that makes the most important people to me so incredibly angry that I'm afraid I'll lose them, even if I feel like I was in the right, I'll give it all up, my pride, my opinion, anything to make it better.
I want to apologize, deeply, for the expectations I have at times. I feel like I've been regarding myself as some kind of wonderful person compared to everybody else. I've been so wrong, it's probably criminal.
Over the past few days, I've had my little bubble of reality come crashing down on me. I've been made to realize that I place much more importance on several other people than they do on me. There are a few people, one whom I feel very, very strongly for, in particular that make up the absolute centre of my universe. Everything I do makes me think of them, makes me remember things we've done together or of things that I look forward to doing with them. I know that none of them feel the same way about me. I know that I'm not the centre of any of their lives (even if I'd like and love to be), like my own screwed up sentiments.
But for some reason, I expect them to. I expect that they'll all place me in the same measure of importance, even though it's absolutely unreasonable. I'm a screw-up, if there ever was one. I'm clingy and needy, and as soon as they get an opportunity to do something that they would rather do with somebody else instead of something I was hoping they'd do with me, I feel like I've been completely left behind, that I'm the second choice.
This is wrong, I know that! I have this complex, where if somebody tells me that they're interested in doing something or that they want to do something with me and then do something else with somebody else instead, I feel so unimportant that it hurts. I feel so incredibly belittled. Then, I don't act rationally anymore, I just lash out and hurt them.
Because of this, I've placed horrible, selfish restrictions on them in my own mind, all that they don't deserve, to have to deal with. And I'm going to be trying to change myself to deserve them, my loved ones. I'm a selfish person, wrong in so many ways and monstrous in many more. Please, I'd like to say here and now that I'm trying to do better. I'm going to make a rather late new years resolution to change myself, and hopefully I'll be able to keep to it.
I'm so sorry, to all of these people who've had to deal with me. I'm sorry for the way I've acted and the childish way I've reacted to every change in plans. I hope, here and now to change how I am to be better for all of you.
____________________________________________________
If you read that, I apologize. :P You were exposed to something remarkably whiny, although I suppose I warned you. xD
Thank you all for reading this tonight! Hopefully, the people I've based my life around read this and they know I'm sorry for being such a insensitive person at times.
Good night Everybody! :)
-Waldon
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